minorkeepsakes:

4persephone:

Dean’s biggest problem isn’t his drinking or his lying or even his escalating tendency toward violence. Those are all all symptoms of what is actually destroying him, yes, but Dean’s real enemy is and has always been the depth of his own self loathing and the way he chooses to apologize for his mistakes and existance.

Because Dean barely even cares if he lives any more - he’s certainly no shying away from the necessary potential sacrifices he might have to make in the days to come because he believes eliminating Abaddon is the only useful contribution he has left to make to the world.  He’s decided if he’s going to be stuck as poison than he’s damn well turning that trait on his enemies instead of his friends.

The plain truth is this - Dean has decided that Abaddon is his rightful sole personal responsibility…not a burdened to be shared with his friends or family but a threat he alone should have to deal with because her dead is more valuable then him alive . She’s his suicide note in progress.

And the worst of it is the only one who GETS that clearly is right now is fucking CROWLEY. who either won’t care if Dean’s killed because it eliminates a threat to Crowley’s power in the long run or who will try and co opt the monster Dean’s become afterwards for his own benefit, which is probably worse.

The Dean Crowley labeled as ‘ready’ for what’s ahead.  He’s not in denial in the slightest.  He just acknowledges no concern at all anymore about what will be left of him once Abaddon is dead, because he assumes what’s left will be nothing, or at least nothing worth crying over.  I am betting serious money Sam’s comments earlier in the season have left him sure and probably comforted by the fact if he’s a monster by the end of all this that Sam can be counted kill him with little or no regret. It’s not a TRUE belief on his part of course, but depression skews perception and this has been Season miscommunication for both brothers.  Sam has been angry for all the right reasons and he’s been trying to fix things but all that’s really happened is reconfirmed all Dean’s worst assumptions about himself.

Sam might have meant during their fight in The Purge that he wouldn’t have tried to save Dean at the expense of his personal agency, but what I’m betting the bank Dean heard was he’s not worth saving at all.  And a guy who’s poison to everything he loves, hell may be a step up because at least down there he’ll be punished for what he is or no longer care once he climbs off the rack.

This is about as dangerous as life can get for Dean… he’s likely anticipating the reality that he’ll put down like an animal rather than rehabilitated once abaddon dies, and he’s going to take it like the good man he wants to be. Dean is preparing his final swan song right now, quietly and determinedly, and no one is seeing clearly enough to recognize it but the King of Hell.